We stopped

We stopped breastfeeding.  I was trying to pump, but the pumping schedule was too grueling.  I was trying to pump every two to three hours - even during sleep time.  I was setting an alarm to get up and pump, and I would pump for 30-45 minutes just to get two to three ounces.  I was exhausted.  I'm still tired, but I'm better.  I really wanted Freya to get breastmilk, and ideally, I wanted to nurse her without having to pump, but this did not work out.  I spent some time feeling really sad and conflicted about this, but I can honestly say that there was nothing else I could have done to make things go well.  Despite my repeated visits to the lactation consultant, waking a sleepy baby to nurse ineffectively, pumping until I was crazy with fatigue, trying to put her back to the breast with intense pain, etc, it just did not work.  She got breastmilk for five and a half weeks.  I guess this is something.  And, as a lot of the people I talked to said, including a lactation consultant I work with, most women would have given up long before I did.  So, we did the best we could.  I am okay with this decision, even if I wish it had been different.

Freya is sweet, beautiful and smart.  She gets some tummy time most days, and she is so strong!  I read books to her almost every day, and we especially like the story of Ferdinand the bull.  She is gaining weight really well, even if she does spit up more than we'd like.  And, she was spitting up breastmilk just as much as formula, so I at least know that it is not the formula being hard on her gut.  She especially likes to spit up on her papa.  She also likes to poop the minute I hand her off to her papa.  He has accused us of being in cahoots together, so I don't have to change as many poopy diapers.  

Parenthood is hard - we are tired all the time.  I rarely eat vegetables anymore - it seems like they are too much work to prepare.  Showering has become something for which intense planning is required - make up and drying of hair is a rarity.  Housecleaning standards are at an all-time low.  My neck hurts from looking down so much - looking down to pump or looking down at Freya.  But, she is so worth it!  She is the best, and even if we are tired, we are happy.  I would not have been ready to have her any earlier in my life, but I do sometimes wonder if I'd be better able to keep up with the demands of parenthood and all the things that come with it if I was younger.  It doesn't matter, because I wouldn't have changed things, anyway.  We are figuring things out.