Breastfeeding... (and a few photos)

I work for WIC.  I was (or I thought I was) counseling women about breastfeeding for over 10 years.  I didn't know anything!  Breastfeeding has been so hard for me.  Chris has endured my crazy mind believing that Freya isn't getting enough.  And as it turns out, she's not.  I have endured pain, what was possibly thrush (I got treated for it, even though I question whether or not I really had it), and then some massive plugged ducts, which I was very worried was going to lead to a breast infection.  Freya got weighed today.  She isn't gaining as quickly as she should.  She is now 8 lbs 3 oz.  The lactation consultant still thinks we can make it work with exclusive breastfeeding, and I hope we can, but to be honest, I just want Freya to thrive.  I have now rented a hospital grade breast pump to try to increase my milk supply.  I have been so tempted to give formula, and sometimes I fantasize about not having to breastfeed, and as I write that, I know that it isn't supposed to be that way.  It's supposed to be something I enjoy.  I have cried over this several times.  I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes with worry for her.  And still, I know it's best to keep at it, and it's because I love her, and that is why I try so hard, but it is starting to take its toll.  I know giving her some formula is not the worst thing I could do, but I have told women for over 10 years to consider not doing that, and things that we have learned make me feel guilty for thinking about it, and I wonder if people at work will judge me if they know I have given her formula.  We have an appointment with her pediatrician tomorrow.  I just wish things would work.  I want for this to work.

Now, the good part.  She's the best and most beautiful baby ever.  She hardly ever cries.  She is super sweet.  Even though we are having the problems with breastfeeding, she is still super easy to love, and I am so glad she's become a part of our lives.  I know that if the breastfeeding doesn't work out to be what we can do exclusively, it will be okay.  Now, my thoughts are more about her and what's best for her.  We'll see.  The good news is that the pediatrician is pro-breastfeeding and also smart.  She will tell us what's best, but she won't let Freya get in danger.  If we need to give formula, I think she'll tell us.  Everybody, keep us in your thoughts and hope for the best.